DARK SOULS (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SWEET)

So i’ve not had as much time to play Dark Souls recently, after starting a new job just over a month ago, so progress has been slow. I’m getting there though, and it has certainly be rewarding. Although that rewarding feeling and sense of accomplishment is what comes after hours of throwing your controller across the room and loudly swearing at your TV.

ANOR LONDO:

 It has been a while since I updated the blog, so i’ve made it a fari way further into the game since the first post. I am now in the city of Anor Londo. A place where creatures are larger in every way, adn if they aren’t they are annoyingly dangerous in some other way. Londo is a city high up in the sky that you are carried up to when you ring the second bell..i think. I can’t really remember, its all been a blur to be honest. I’ve faught more gargoyles and giant knights than you could shake a lightning spear at in the past few hours, and it rarely seems to get easier.

 Perhaps the most annoying part of the game so far has got to be player invasions. I experienced this for the first time today as I was working my way through the final castle area, sluging it out against silver knights left, right and center when some kind soul invaded my game. This was perhaps the msot tense moment of Dark Souls so far. I knew he was coming for me, but i also knew he would have to find me. So i equipped my ring of sacrifice and hid in a corner. He would no doubt be more powerful than me so my only option was to hide or run. I could not see him anywhere…..it was all quiet. I ran to the door and when it opened I seen a red figure trying to open it at the same time. He froze for a second, sprinted behind me backstabbed me and murdered me, before taking a bow. WHAT A BALLSACK.

I turned my online off after this.

 I have just stumbled accross a giant blacksmith. I feel like this is a good place to leave it. GOODBYE.

Penny Dreadful Episode 1

Episode 1 (Spoilers obvz)

The opening moments of Penny Dreadful are probably the scariest so far, but I’m a bit of a wet blanket when it comes to scary things so maybe that was just me. It certainly was effective in setting both the tone and time frame for the series – bar it flashing up with the date and city just to let you know. A poor, ragged woman taking a dump and being dragged out a window is quite an opener!

After this initial moment we are then slowly introduced to the characters that will be the main focus, I presume, of the show. With Mrs Ives/Eva Green being shown to be praying before a cross, then contorted by some sort of spirit, and Ethan/Josh Hartnett shooting things really fast – this also being what they do throughout the remainder of the programme.

The last thing I seen with Josh Hartnett in it was 30 Days Of Night, where he was running really fast most of the time, so there is a recurring theme with his roles. He only takes a part if he can do something fast a fuck.

It isn’t long before you are thrown into the action, with Ethan being hired by Mrs Ives on behalf of Sir Malcom/Timothy Dalton. With introductions made they then meet 3 vampires who like to chill out in what looks like an underground car park and dress like Greenday. After a quick battle where we are see Timothy Dalton laying a beatdown on the leader of the pack, you are then confronted with body parts, dead babys and the master vampire. Awoken from under a pile of bodys – his fave place to chill – he rises to show his tall, skeletal body and long, sharp teeth. Personally I liked the look of the creature, different from just a standard guy with fangs. More like the freaky vamps from Blade 2.

Its shortly after this point that you discover the main premise of the episode and a recurring aim, which is to find Sir Malcolm’s daughter, which has been taken by such a creature. This becomes a bit confusing after episode 2 (so did she get taken by one of these things or did she soil herself and die on an adventure?).

Following on from this the body of the creature is then taken to a researcher called Victor who opens the skin to discover Egyptian hieroglyphics. Now that’s a turn up for the books as I certainly didn’t expect that, Egyptian vampires, yas. Then Ethan is asked to join Ives and Malcolm on their quest, and him and Ives get a bit flirty. Later on that night, Malcolm is confronted by a vision, I think, of his daughter as a vampire, spurring him on to finder as she must be close by and wanting to cure her of the curse.

The last thing of significance in this episode is perhaps the final scene with doctor Victor aka Victor Frankenstein who accidentally awakens his creation. His creation just looks like an extra from Eastenders. *Cue Eastenders theme tune*

Episode 2 (coming soon)

The Expendables 3

Expendables 3:

the best worst movie ever (since the last one).

Ah The Expendables. So bad its good. All you need to know is that it was written by Sly Stallone himself, which you can tell, and that it consists of 2 hours of Stallone’s face having a stroke. Its a master class in ridiculous, over the top, badly written, cliché filled, blockbuster movie making. I have no doubt that this film will do relatively well at the box office despite terrible reviews and a leaked copy online, and you know what..I think it’s brilliant.

I haven’t laughed as much at a film in a long time, and that includes comedies. This was funnier than Jump Street 22. From the silly beginning to the sillier end the film is pretty non stop in terms of action, which has been toned down with the feature of no blood due to the PG-13 rating. Now I don’t judge a film on how much blood it has in it, but I feel it actually looks worse without it. There are parts where enemy soldiers are being shot and mauled with camera shots almost looking for blood, yet none can be seen. I feel like there was meant to be plenty of blood CGI blood splatters, but then they took it all out. The rating was apparently brought down so that the film could reach a wider audience. I’m not sure that this will help, the people who would pay to see this dross in the cinema are either insane or just want a laugh. I can only imagine a naive 13 year old perhaps thinking that it was the best film they had ever seen.

One of the best things about the Expendables is the fact that each actor basically plays themselves;

Stallone is Stallone – at his mumbling, fist pumping, hat wearing, fast shooting best.

Jason Statham – He only has one emotion, karate kick.

Wesley Snipes – basically plays Blade, but with added tax evasion.

Terry Crews – what is there to say, its Terry Crews.

Dolph Lundgren – Also looks like he has melted.

Arnie – he plays himself in every movie really, but he’s probably one of the best actors in this which is saying something.

Jet Li – the most well known martial artist in the whole cast, and he doesn’t throw a punch. I mean, what??

Mel Gibson – basically his whole script is like something out of those abusive phone calls to his wife that where recorded. I’m pretty sure he wrote the lines himself.

Harrison Ford – just looks like he wants to be somewhere else, and who can blame him.

Antonio Banderas – Plays a character so annoying its hard to watch

Fraser Crane – Just why?

The rest of the cast – not much to say. They shoot people.

The premise of the film? “Kill Mel Gibson cause he shot Terry Crews and dropped a bomb on us”, but it’s cool the bomb just blew them into the water and they all survived. I mean it’s not like the bomb blast radius would have blown them to bits, or at least have shattered all their bones, but hey this is The Expendables bruh!

Another thing – the names of the characters. Stone Mason, Barney, Christmas, Doctor Death, Church. I mean they are terrible, but it adds to the tone. And when I mean tone, I mean shite-ness.

After deciding to track down Mel, Barney aka Stallone has an emotional moment with his old crew after almost being killed. He for some reason tells all his old crew that it’s over as he doesn’t want to drag them on a mission that could get them killed. So he then assembles a team of young, tech savvy soldiers.

So…..hang on, you don’t want your old team of ageing friends to follow you, and perhaps live the short life they have left on the battlefield, but you don’t mind getting all these kids killed. NAE BOTHER.

After this, there is grunts, long looks into the camera, explosions and Frasier Crane. Some of the fighting and choreography isn’t all that bad, its more the execution that comes across as cheesy. Or maybe its just the fact that its being performed by action movie OAPs who can’t pull it off with the style and ease they used to be able to.

It’s hard to talk about specific action scenes in this movie as they all blend into one. The most memorable is the last, which features a small army against The Expendables, a crazy bike jump, Wesley Snipes pretending he’s dead and a short but brilliant show off between Stallone and Gibson. The final fight mentioned, is short lived with Gibson giving some good leg sweeps that surprised me, as he moved pretty well. The worst line in the whole movie comes at the end of this fight. After killing Gibson/Stonemason, Stallone looks of into the distance and claims “I AM THE HAUGUE”. The Haugue being a place where war criminals are tried. Just….lolz.

Well in conclusion, I recommend renting, or downloading this film if your someone who can see the funny side in bad (really bad) movies. Its cringe, its even awful at points but that’s what makes it work. Well I wouldn’t say work, but you know what I mean. I wonder if any of the actors watch the finished cut and died a little inside. I hope so.

4/5 for sheer comedy value.