The Expendables 3

Expendables 3:

the best worst movie ever (since the last one).

Ah The Expendables. So bad its good. All you need to know is that it was written by Sly Stallone himself, which you can tell, and that it consists of 2 hours of Stallone’s face having a stroke. Its a master class in ridiculous, over the top, badly written, cliché filled, blockbuster movie making. I have no doubt that this film will do relatively well at the box office despite terrible reviews and a leaked copy online, and you know what..I think it’s brilliant.

I haven’t laughed as much at a film in a long time, and that includes comedies. This was funnier than Jump Street 22. From the silly beginning to the sillier end the film is pretty non stop in terms of action, which has been toned down with the feature of no blood due to the PG-13 rating. Now I don’t judge a film on how much blood it has in it, but I feel it actually looks worse without it. There are parts where enemy soldiers are being shot and mauled with camera shots almost looking for blood, yet none can be seen. I feel like there was meant to be plenty of blood CGI blood splatters, but then they took it all out. The rating was apparently brought down so that the film could reach a wider audience. I’m not sure that this will help, the people who would pay to see this dross in the cinema are either insane or just want a laugh. I can only imagine a naive 13 year old perhaps thinking that it was the best film they had ever seen.

One of the best things about the Expendables is the fact that each actor basically plays themselves;

Stallone is Stallone – at his mumbling, fist pumping, hat wearing, fast shooting best.

Jason Statham – He only has one emotion, karate kick.

Wesley Snipes – basically plays Blade, but with added tax evasion.

Terry Crews – what is there to say, its Terry Crews.

Dolph Lundgren – Also looks like he has melted.

Arnie – he plays himself in every movie really, but he’s probably one of the best actors in this which is saying something.

Jet Li – the most well known martial artist in the whole cast, and he doesn’t throw a punch. I mean, what??

Mel Gibson – basically his whole script is like something out of those abusive phone calls to his wife that where recorded. I’m pretty sure he wrote the lines himself.

Harrison Ford – just looks like he wants to be somewhere else, and who can blame him.

Antonio Banderas – Plays a character so annoying its hard to watch

Fraser Crane – Just why?

The rest of the cast – not much to say. They shoot people.

The premise of the film? “Kill Mel Gibson cause he shot Terry Crews and dropped a bomb on us”, but it’s cool the bomb just blew them into the water and they all survived. I mean it’s not like the bomb blast radius would have blown them to bits, or at least have shattered all their bones, but hey this is The Expendables bruh!

Another thing – the names of the characters. Stone Mason, Barney, Christmas, Doctor Death, Church. I mean they are terrible, but it adds to the tone. And when I mean tone, I mean shite-ness.

After deciding to track down Mel, Barney aka Stallone has an emotional moment with his old crew after almost being killed. He for some reason tells all his old crew that it’s over as he doesn’t want to drag them on a mission that could get them killed. So he then assembles a team of young, tech savvy soldiers.

So…..hang on, you don’t want your old team of ageing friends to follow you, and perhaps live the short life they have left on the battlefield, but you don’t mind getting all these kids killed. NAE BOTHER.

After this, there is grunts, long looks into the camera, explosions and Frasier Crane. Some of the fighting and choreography isn’t all that bad, its more the execution that comes across as cheesy. Or maybe its just the fact that its being performed by action movie OAPs who can’t pull it off with the style and ease they used to be able to.

It’s hard to talk about specific action scenes in this movie as they all blend into one. The most memorable is the last, which features a small army against The Expendables, a crazy bike jump, Wesley Snipes pretending he’s dead and a short but brilliant show off between Stallone and Gibson. The final fight mentioned, is short lived with Gibson giving some good leg sweeps that surprised me, as he moved pretty well. The worst line in the whole movie comes at the end of this fight. After killing Gibson/Stonemason, Stallone looks of into the distance and claims “I AM THE HAUGUE”. The Haugue being a place where war criminals are tried. Just….lolz.

Well in conclusion, I recommend renting, or downloading this film if your someone who can see the funny side in bad (really bad) movies. Its cringe, its even awful at points but that’s what makes it work. Well I wouldn’t say work, but you know what I mean. I wonder if any of the actors watch the finished cut and died a little inside. I hope so.

4/5 for sheer comedy value.

One thought on “The Expendables 3

  1. To the Author: Your opinion of this movie is crap. You are seeing an action movie not a oscar nominated film. I watched it and loved it. Stallone at 68 yrs old is in amazing shape, I’d like to see you try even one of the things he does. Your half his age and couldn’t do it so you suck.

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